The Fatigue and Destruction of Always Forgiving

The Fatigue and Destruction of The Always Forgiving

Be Good,
Be Gracious,
Be Forgiving,
Be Caring,
Be loving,
Be understanding,
Be the Bigger Person and the list goes on…

These are all attributes allocated to the better self of humankind. We appeal to them, for the necessary and ultimate ability to live and survive this world together and intact. We need them to build communities, villages, cities and countries today. It is a must, if we plan to leave something for the future and our generations yet unborn. The opposite will lead to chaos, a world at odds with itself and one that will not survive the onslaught.

I cannot hear what you say, for the thunder of what you are. African Proverb

But what exactly does that mean these days? What is expected of the average person online and in the case of the average Squad Supporter? And I do mean any Squad…
The fact remains that the world today does tend to view these extremely beautiful and admirable qualities as weakness. They associate it with being feeble, an inability to fight back, a fear of consequences, not having the balls to…. Gone are the days when we encouraged and pushed such attributes as our cultivated persona towards life.

The Princess/Heroes Factor

Interestingly, we’re still feeding these admirable values and qualities to our children via our movies, parental instructions, etc. On children’s/Tween TV, the good child, tween, princess or hero still typically wins the day, although we do see changes in our girls’ stories these days. While in times past, Cinderella sat by the fireplace, being a doormat for her stepsisters and singing her way through mental abuse, Princesses Tiana, Jasmine, Mulan and Merida, came swinging, kicking butt, taking names and not looking for saviors. They all accomplished their dreams without losing their souls. Using their smarts, wisdom, skills, sass and bravery, they outwitted, outdid, and beat (with a bit of luck injected), whatever was in their way to save the day. Thus teaching our children today, that there is nothing wrong with fighting back while simultaneously holding your head high, on the way to accomplishing your life’s goal. This is a healthier way of life. Not sitting in a gilded castle answering to the name of Princess and being expected to accept mental abuse for that privilege. Progressive adults like Meghan understand that.

We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.” Haida Proverb

Then there is the other side, when young teens are exposed to the reality TV world. In this world, the worst behaved, the unethical, the most likely to con, and manipulate the naïve and docile cast mate receives the most attention. This attention can be misconstrued as admiration, which in turn could positively reinforce that bad behavior. These new brands of villains, rise to fame and are loved for ‘having the balls’ to do the what their kinder, ethical competitors would not do. In this way, we confuse our growing children.

To excuse our focus on their persona, we try to explain away these villains’ bad behavior. We ascribe to them characteristics such as boldness, frankness, daring and strength. Then we invoke the obligatory “grey areas’- which make everything permissible, I guess. We forgive them for their attitude. There is no punishment and the world moves on. The lesson is clear; cunning and cruelty win. The kind and caring are left with the short end of the stick. Eventually, their bad behaviors become whispers and dissipate against an increasingly powerful social media fame machine. A sign of the times – The lack of consequences and the smirk of one-upmanship, ratified.

Flying High with Dignity

Meghan and Harry curated and moderated a Time 100 conference. They discussed better use of the media in our world with experts and people in the know. Michelle Obama is \famously quoted as saying ‘when they go low, we go higher’.

If you damage the character of another, you damage your own’. Yoruba Proverb

Meghan also correctly believes there should always be push back to damaging and wrong information. We should never be silent in the face of unrelenting attack. Hence the admiration I have for Sussex Squad. Yes!!! They exist to speak truth to power, receipts in hand, to refute distorted narratives, innuendo and flat out lies. THIS SHOULD NEVER STOP. That to me does not go against any of the advice given by either the Meghans or the Michelles of this world, or any of those who encourage us to tap into to our better selves in any situation.

Evil becomes powerful when good people are silent. We know this. The silencing of good voices is the goal of wrong, and should not be allowed. The world simply cannot afford it. For that reason, good, fair, and correct must fight on and do so superiorly. I know the world shies away from words such as good and bad these days in favor of grey. I am deliberately using those terms here. We need to start embracing them again. Right is right, and wrong is wrong.

We should never subscribe to the ideology that any status is a price someone should be willing to pay for their mental health. What kind of lesson does that teach our children about who they should aspire to be or what they should tolerate?

The antics of a market buffoon provide laughter, but nobody prays that his child becomes the market buffoon. African Proverb

Meghan and Harry are to be admired for using their platform to teach and help us find a different and better way. They dared to walk away from a real, nightmare of a situation. Being “the most trolled individual, male or female in a single year” as she said was “almost unsurvivable”. Alone and without help or support it seems, from her marital family means she has firsthand, personal experience. We always encourage our loved ones to get out of unbearable, abusive and controlling spaces. We teach our loved ones to set boundaries. They’ve done just that. Now they are using the experience as a springboard to engender the quest for a healthier and kinder world, online and off.

For those of the Christian faith, it is said that praying for your enemies and turning the other cheek means being a good Christian, because vengeance is the Lord’s – who is also extremely forgiving. A recent song titled TRY JESUS by Tobe Nwigwe gives one a very real human, perspective of forgiveness. He contends with his humanity, and reluctance to turn the other cheek. This is just one example. Other religions also teach forgiveness. The point is that, it’s an internal dialogue that happens with all of us, shaped by various influences that leads us to the decision of whether to ignore or fight back. Society constantly seizes on the concept of forgiveness to deprive people of just recourse. Two wrongs don’t make a right, they say. The aggrieved party sometimes ends up being cast as intolerant or aggressive for standing their ground or fighting for what they believe in.

This in my opinion, has given a green light to bad behavior. We see it in the royal reporting world, where people freely write or express very offensive things about the Sussexes, but cry foul when they receive push back. Those of us holding them accountable are called abusive. It is indeed a ploy to silence us and give them free reign.

Watching the news, you can see evidence of it, although it is becoming less so. It seems that it is barely announced that another victim (usually minority) has been wrongly accused/killed, etc., before society starts to ask for forgiveness from the victim’s family, on behalf of the assailant. The story of the victims’ forgiveness becomes the focus, rather than the remorse of the assailant. It’s almost as if forgiveness is expected. An unfair burden to impose.

Every person should determine what this means personally and decide for themselves. We should not be guilted or intimidated into abetting bad behavior.

Be Good,
Be Gracious,
Be Forgiving,
Be Caring,
Be Loving,
Be Understanding,
Be the Bigger Person and the list goes on…

Absolutely lovely virtues to live by. They should apply to us as individuals as well as organizations, whether that be journalists, media conglomerates, etc. There should be one standard. When that standard is broken, we must speak up, we must fight back and we must stand our ground. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pushing back on willful, malicious lies. We do not have that luxury. They expect attention for their infamy, but what they will get is a reckoning. If people want to avoid a “pile-on”(deliberately coded language used to avert responsibility), they should listen to their own one-sided moral sermon and stop lying, making things up or whatever else they do to break the standard. Preach to the real aggressors, to prevent them from earning a “pile-on” also known in the real world as consequences.


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13 comments on “The Fatigue and Destruction of Always Forgiving

  1. vixxo

    We have a saying ‘angazi ukuthi ungivelele ngaphi’ meaning I don’t know where you appeared from for me. This is when the person helps you at the absolute right for what you are going through. i have been having this conversation with a few friends/family the past few months. Can we help the people we counsel to move on to heal in the way that best achieves mental respite. i have noticed the long struggle with reaching that goal by demanding that healing begins with forgiving the abuser. Then i stopped saying that. Just focused on moving on and away from the trauma with the best tools to possible, and the time of mental anguish is reduced. Surprisingly forgiveness still comes, in whatever format that person resolves it looks like. But the push back from others around is surprising. So yes, i had tears reading this. We should forgive in a way that heals, not re-traumatize for the sake of following a formulae. Thank you. Thank you.

  2. Lola

    Great and true content. Saying it just as it is. It has become easy to re-define what morals mean 👍

  3. Connie Brussels

    Another fantastic article!!!!!! I agree to all you wrote!!!!! Well done 👍👍👍 and keep it coming!!!!!.

  4. Tracy

    Very well written and thorough piece. It encourages individual introspection yet bids action rather than complicity.

  5. Beverly Jewell Hardy

    Beautiful article, well thought out, well researched, very insightful and very informative. It is ashame that we live in a world that believes in lies and distortion (even with reciepts) before they believe in the truth. We have forgotten that good and bad behaviors are learn. Anyone can go through the media and fact check the lies. We have gotten lazy and except what we read and heard as fact. We put so much faith in people and take their words as facts. Their are some many things media (written, spoken and seen) that are blatant lies. Most of us don’t even realize this is being done to control our thoughts and actions. It’s time for us to wake up. Face value is no longer accepted without receipts. We have caring about mankind. We think it make it make us look good while we bully, hate, smear and use propaganda to control each other.
    The world need to wake up. We are entering the time of Revelation.

    1. Evelyn Bell

      The truth matters. Facts matter. This article is timely and beautifully written. There has been an intentional and deliberate attempt to appeal to the outward appearance rather than the internal character of individuals. Our children are being taught one set of values and see adults they care about, love and respect behaving and speaking opposite to those values. A person’s race, ethnicity, nationality, gender, religious beliefs do not define their character. There is not a superior or inferior person. We are all worthy and should be treated as such. Period.

  6. Catherine

    Incredible article. So relevant to so many things. My grandmother taught me that forgiveness does not mean that there should be no consequences for bad behavior and that forgiveness does not mean you give up the right to hold people accountable. People get trapped into tolerating the intolerable by the you must forgive narrative. Just as black women get trapped into enduring what they shouldn’t endure by the “strong black woman” narrative. Forgiveness is a virtue. I’m a Christian so I believe in what the Bible teaches about forgiveness but the Bible also teaches you to guard your spirit/soul because it is your connection to God. And there are people who will use your kindness and your strength against which is an attack on your spirit. My grandmother also said the Bible says turn the other cheek but it also says an eye for an eye so find the balance in the wisdom.

    1. Darima Pebors Post author

      Agreed Catherine. Many people always ascribe the submissive part of the Christian beliefs to Christians. Wisdom is knowing when to follow “Turn the other cheek” or “A time to fight”. Both advice from the same book.

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